Its been awhile. Life took over for a bit. We’ve been riding that rollercoaster of ups and downs with life in general and also with PTSD. Overall, things have been pretty good….some occasional bad days….some scary moments….and some moments of “oh no not again”. Do you have those? Do you ever wonder if you will ever be able to stop the rollercoaster? There are days that I wonder if this is just the way life is now……like it will never “go back” to how it was pre-deployment. Don’t get me wrong, there are things that I love about post deployment life, but there are also things that I really wish would have stayed in the desert. Or maybe that’s the problem? Maybe too much stayed in Afghanistan…and only pieces came back home. Its hard to say for me. I’ll never truly understand…and maybe that’s for the best?
From the perspective of the spouse, wife, lover, partner, etc, there are days that I wonder if I can continue on living on egg shells. Wondering if the struggles we are dealing with are hurting our children….will the remember? Will they be scarred? How is it affecting them? How is it affecting me? Will Tyler truly ever be “back to himself”? Is this who he is now?
When I can find the time to get away, I’ve taken part in a group “decompression” for spouses of PTSD diagnosed Veterans….the common theme? “Is this PTSD or is he just an Asshole?” Surprising to some, seemingly disrespectful to those who don’t live this life…it is a question I seem to ask myself regularly. What brought this on? Was it something from OVER THERE….or just something in his every day personality? How can you tell? Is there even a way? Does it matter? PTSD is such a vast and unknown world that I don’t think we will ever know. To me, its a very general term given to basically every symptom that COULD be related to trauma, whether war related or not, and plopped on people like a hat. Similarly to IBS, in my opinion….basically it seems like the doctors way of saying “well we don’t really have any idea of WHAT is wrong, but we know its in your gut so lets just say its IBS”…… REALLY?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not starting a mental health diagnosis debate here, but PTSD presents very differently in each person, so to me it is very generalized term, and maybe thats because we just don’t know enough about it….but believe me we are on the rollercoaster of PTSD that doesn’t seem to ever stop…. The Highs are amazing, exciting, gut wrenching even….but the lows….are like when you are upside down in the dark and you feel the safety harness shift and you’re terrified its going to unlock and you will plummet to an uncertain future….. and the best part is…. you cant see the front of the cars, so you don’t ever know which way you are headed……
I’m going to coin a new phrase…. who want’s coffee mugs?
“I’m married to PTSD….whats your super power?”